Grr!

Just glad that I managed to reclaim my blogs without *much* hassle...

I WILL REVISE

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, Getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong, And I learned I could scrape along!
I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock, I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,
So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter that there's no club night anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I! I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains, I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end, I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise, I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night, Feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try, But now I hold my head up high,
And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up weird person who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, Chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, And I'm failing my degree!

Oh no, not I! I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, But I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm, My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise, I won't revise, Oh dear!!

The Five Stages of a Hangover

Stage One: The Queasiness

This usually comes with waking up in the morning. Early. Before your alarm goes off. Accompanied by groaning and grumbling at how ridiculously early it is.

Stage Two: The Insatiable Hunger

Becomes interchangeable with The Queasiness. Usually kicks in around 10am. Recogniseable by its unique feeling of unsatisfiable ravenousness. Results in a gargantuous fry-up and copious amounts of full-fat cola.

Stage Three: The Hyperness

Normally born out of the fact that the alcohol is still prevailent in your bloodstream, comes once the queasiness has subsided. Lasts until around 1pm.

Stage Four: The Grouchiness

Emerges once The Hyperness has worn off. Born out of frustration due to The Insatiable Hunger.

Stage Five: The Come-Down

Develops out of The Grouchiness once the effects of The Insatiable Hunger have left you bloated. Feeling of repressed sadness and melancholy....
....Results in another drinking binge.

Unanswered Questions?

Here's the answers to two of those age old questions that have been plaguing you since you could construct a sentence...

1) Do fish get thirsty?

Yes, but they do not drink. They get their water from the food they eat. After all, the human body is 90% water (... I think).

2) Why do old men swirl brandy and whiskey in a glass, and don't have ice in it?

The liqour is supposed to be warmed up by the warmth of one's hand, hence the swirling. The ice not only ruins this technique, but waters down the liquor.

My... have I had a productive weekend!

Dog Poo Police

Some people REALLY need to get a life.

My friend Tania came to Bolton the other week as she was up from London and working in Wakefield, which was ace, cos we got to meet up and chat and stuff and it was great to catch up!

Anyways, Tania needed to get a train in the morning, and since I needed to walk the dogs I walked them down to the station with her. However, en route, my dearest pooch Charles decided to go to the bathroom. Just as I started to retrace my steps and took out a poo bag to dispose of the said dump, a man in a nearby house opened his upstairs window, presumably to yell at me to pick it up, as he hastened to apologise as he realised I'd already stopped. Yet, he did not retire from the window. I said, 'What... are you going to watch me or something?', to which he failed to reply, but just stood and watched me pick up Charlie's poo.

Honestly. Some people are just so anal.

University Fun!

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN...

1. You actually like doing your washing at home where the washing machines work.
2. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
3. You'd rather clean than study - especially if an essay is due.
4. "Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
5. Parents' cooking becomes something you desire, not avoid.
6. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas especially Neighbours and Murder She Wrote.
7. You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the menu.
8. You get a little too excited about Tesco money-off coupons and clubcard points.
9. You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
10. You live for getting post.
11. Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
12. You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent morphs into a hybrid of West Country, Cockney, Posh, Geordie and Boltonese.
13. Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
14. Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.
15. Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.
16. You wait for your penny change without embarrassment
17. First dates always end up with the stay-overs because the walk home seems too far and because you can
18. The milk situation annoys you
19. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.

BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

1. That I could change so much and barely realize it.
2. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
3. No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.
4. That if you wear a skirt or even polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
5. That if you got good a-levels, so what? It doesn't matter
6. That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay due-date.
7. That you can know everything and fail a test.
8. That you can know nothing and ace a test.
9. That lecturers really don't know or care if you've worked for 10mins or all-night, as long as you email them or compliment them they will love you.
10. Maths students complain about their hours but have no essays; English students complain about doing all the work themselves - every course sucks and everyone gets a degree at the end, so who cares if you think you're hard done by
11. That I could get used to almost anything found out about my friends.
12. That talk similar to that of the playground comes back to haunt you
13. That most of my education would be obtained outside of Uni.
14. That some people will act like you mean the world to them in Freshers Week and then drop you
15. That friendship is more than getting drunk together ...but that's still fun!
16. That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
17. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.

WHY UNIVERSITRY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL...

1. You cry for your mummy.
2. You cross the street without looking for cars.
3. Snack time is a necessity.
4. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do)
5. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
6. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
7. You wear big mittens
8. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
9. You take naps.
10. You look forward to cheese toasties.

Special thanks to Tony Avino for emailing me this piece! x

I Ain't No Poison Ivy...