The Horrific Accident of the Deer in the Night-Time

Something happened to me on Saturday night. Something I will have burned onto my inner eye for the rest of my life, I am sure of it.

We hit a deer.

I was up in Saranac Lake, NY, visiting a friend I have who lives up there, whom I met two years ago on a course at San Diego State University. We were driving home from a movie in Lake Placid, about 45 minutes away, at around midnight on Saturday. We were happily chatting, not going particularly fast. I'd chosen to sit in the front seat on this particular occasion. Kristi, my friend, was sat in the back seat and her boyfriend, Chris, was driving.

All of a sudden, a deer - a huge one at that - appeared in our beam. I was sure we'd slow down in time and avoid it. Chris did his best not to hit it, but the big critters behaviour was unpredictable. Then there was a split-second when I thought: "Oh shit. We really are going to hit it"... then we did.

There is nothing quite like the sound of a car bonnet colliding with an innocent animal. There's nothing quite like the aftermath either.

Poor Chris was momentarily traumatised, doing 30mph in fifth gear, where as Kristi kept her head and remained calm. I was just totally shell-shocked. I couldn't breathe.

We went back later to check that it wasn't still in the road, and it wasn't, so it must've been fine and scampered off, which was a huge burden off our moral shoulders. The car wasn't too badly damaged either. As Kristi's mum said, the most important thing was that we were all safe and well.

Good job it wasn't a moose, I guess...

On Having Your Nose Pierced...

Well, it all started when Kat was talking about having her's done, and I mentioned that I'd wanted it done for a while. After some debacle we dared each other to do it.

So, on Monday night we trapsed all around Downtown Denver looking for a respectable establishment, until we ended up in the suburb of Lakewood, at a studio named Celebrity Tattoo, signing a waiver form and cacking ourselves. I was going to watch Kat have her's done first, convinced that it would be executed using a stapler kind of device, but when I saw the 1mm thick needle I turned away in despair... They stick a thin metal cylinder up your nose, stab you with the needle which goes through into the tube, then follow it through with the stud. Kat, of course, was laughing the whole time, as the 'receiving tube' up her nose was tickling her.

When it came to my go, I chose a cute, little, pale-blue-jewelled stud, lay down and whimpered. The nice lady told me to breathe in deeply, so I closed my eyes and concentrated so hard on staying relaxed that I didn't even notice her stab me. It was like... "Ooh, there it is! Oh... well I guess that wasn't so bad..." The pain wasn't nearly as torturous as I envisioned, and it didn't last long either. The girl did it really well - I was thankful for a quick and painless job!

Admittedly, it really does look uber-cool, and not nearly as hideously offensive as my Dad will probably expect. It feels kinda weird now, and a bit swollen and sore, but I'm sure it'll get better once it's healed and I'll get used to it. Ace!

Since when was a C cup an Extra Large?

I'm tired of not being able to find a bikini top in America that fits me. My cousin feels the same way and the poor soul has to live here. This madness has to come to an end!

And that's all I have to say about that.

Willy Wonka's Father?

Last night I was lucky enough to go and see the new 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' at the cinema. I loved it, it was a great film, and the songs were really funky. But what on earth was the deal with Christopher Lee being the obsessive dentist of a father to Willy Wonka?

I really didn't buy the whole father issue thing - I could just see in my mind's eye Johnny Depp and Tim Burton meeting for coffee, or sat in a boardroom or something, discussing the whole thing, fabricating the storyline, getting excited and serious in equal amounts about how well it would fit the story... Well, you know what, it just didn't go! It was far too easy!

On the other hand, I loved the sunglasses and Wonka's pasty skin, revealing his dislike for the outside world, and the gloves showing his obsession about hygeine. It reminded me of Michael Jackson, as I'm sure it did with many others, but apparently the actor never intended this. Which is ironic.

Anyway, I'm risking this little rant sounding like an English Literature essay.

Perhaps my little distain at the added storyline was merely a symptom of my being a child of the Gene Wilder generation, where 'the candyman can', and 'if you're not spoiled then you will go far'... To me, that will always remain the real story I guess, despite it's being further away from the book than the recent remake. It will always remain the real 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Oh my gosh. I just recently finished reading the 6th Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, I read the US version so I've probably missed out on loads that happened in the UK edition, but I was totally blown away by it.

I feel like my world is crumbling around me! What kind of world do we live in where that particular character has to leave us? I was desperately trying to find some sort of loop hole, pleading that it wasn't true. Personally, I was shocked by the actions of the murderer, but I'm not all that convinced that he's a totally rotten egg. I feel like there's something Ms Rowling is yet to reveal to us about the murderer's motives.

But what shall become of Harry in the next book? I'm glad that he started going out with that girl, I wished that they would get together (though we all know it can't last as he and I will be married one day), and I do hope Ron and Hermione get it on eventually. They're so meant for each other. But whatever next? I can't believe I shall have to wait another 2 years to peruse the next chapter in the story. At least the 4th film comes out soon.

What do you mean you've not read Harry Potter yet??! Get to it!

Meldrew Lives!

A couple of days ago I learned that my little car at home was going to be scrapped, unable to pass another mot and without the funds for necessary corrections. Since I'm am currently stationed in the US, I was very upset by this, as I've missed my car very much whilst I've been away, and I am very fond of taking him on various rampages at home. I was sad that I could not be at home when the time came to say goodbye. Meldrew was my first car, and no other four-wheeled vehicle would ever compare to him. I would miss him always, Meldrew, my grumpy old friend. Rest in Peace.

But..... JOY! Imagine my elation when this morning I received a text message from home, declaring that Meldrew had, after all, not been shipped off to the grinder, but sold on to a son of a colleague. At least I know he has gone to a new home, where hopefully the owner will take good care of him and attend to his unique personality. Forget me not, Meldrew... I will never forget you...

What English Speaking Country am I?

You Belong in New Zealand

Good on ya, mate You're the best looking one of the bunch Though you're often forgotten... You're quite proud of who you are

What English Speaking Country Do You Belong In?

Some Home Truths From Peter Kay

Peter Kay is undoubtedly thee best comedian ever, and he's from my town! Here are some of his observations...

"1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.
20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !
21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip."

Things Explained With Cows

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows. * You sell one and buy a bull. * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. * You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows. * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. * You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You count them and learn you have five cows. * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. * You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You have 300 people milking them. * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * That one on the left is kinda cute...

Fifty Things Women Cannot Do

But I guess one thing we can do is laugh at ourselves...

1. Know anything about a car except its colour
2. Understand a film plot
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. Lift
5. Throw
6. Run
7. Park
8. Fart
9. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on strangers clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. Set a video recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. Choose a video quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

Questions Which Need Answering...

I received this from a friend I met in Australia the other day. It's a list of questions to ponder. I do not have the answers... but they are mighty thought provoking all the same...

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.

Which Famous Leader Are You?

Okay, I realise this is really geeky, but it's my last one I promise... Now I really don't think I match this guy...!

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Which Classic Movie Are You?

I don't really understand why I'm 'Platoon', but hey ho. I've never even seen it...

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Flavour Pocky Are You?

Pocky's are a Japanese concoction, consisting of pretzel sticks coated in different flavoured frosting. Trust me, I've been to Japan, seen them, and bought a fair few different flavours. According to an internet quiz, if I was a pocky, I'd be chocolate flavoured. I thought so...

what flavor pocky are you?