Some Handy Hints to Cut Out and Keep...

The Essential Guide to Clubbing - Dance Floor Etiquette

You may think that because you’ve already done swing dancing, ballroom, salsa or whatever the hell else on a dance floor, you know all the ins and outs of dance floor common-sense and courtesy. However, this is sadly not the case. Clubbing is a whole new kettle of, er… activity, and there be many a thing you need to learn to be fully qualified as a professional clubber. It’s a scary clubbing world out there, and to survive the bass and the trebles, the hotties and the mingers, the cheap drinks and sticky floors, it is essential that you are equipped with the following knowledge:

The Rules

1. Technically, if you’re going to go clubbing, you also need to be consuming alcohol (in your choice of volume). If you’re not drinking, you’d better be ill or driving. Therefore, the first rule of clubbing is… get bladdered.

2. Don’t even think about going out to a club without the intention of getting your boogie ass down.
(i) Dancing do’s: Move to the beat (if you just stand there, you’ll look miserable), be yourself (life is a boogie wonderland – enjoy it!) roll your hips and shake that ass!
(ii) Dancing don’ts: whatever you learned at school discos does NOT apply - no robots, no big fish little fish cardboard box, no jumping around in big groups - if you think you can dance great, you probably can’t, no swaying, no shuffling, no actions that mimic the lyrics and no chav dancing.
(iii) Therefore, the second rule of clubbing is… shake that booty.

3. The following is not acceptable on a dance floor; pushing, shoving, groping (boys, you may think this will get you attention but it just pisses us off!!), standing on other people’s feet, standing on your own feet, spilling drinks, dropping bottles, burning people with cigarettes, crowd surfing (this is to be saved for gigs) and conga lines (that’s just NOT cool!).

4. Ok, so you’ve had a few bevvies and your shakin’ that ass. Now you’re looking at the talent around you.
(i) Start by looking for hotties of the opposite sex. Or not, that's up to you.
(ii) If you feel two active hands on your hips, the best thing to do is check him out. He could be a proper minger, and you don’t want that.
(iii) If checking them out is not possible, look for warning signs from your friends. ‘Thumbs up’ generally translates to ‘Get in he’s well fit’. The ‘Wobbling Hand’ means ‘Erm… I dunno maybe you should judge’. The ‘Decapitator’ means ‘GET OUT GET OUT NOW! MINGER ALERT! EUGH!’ It is VITAL that you do not lose your mates at any point in the night.
(iv) In the unlikely event of you being the only person not pulling, the responsibility falls to you to rescue your friends from mingers. This is to be executed by pulling them away and dancing with them (force may be used if necessary).
(v) If you are unlucky enough to need rescuing, you should communicate this to your friends by giving a signal already decided at the beginning of the night (eg. scratching your chin with your thumb, tapping your head... etc).

5. So, with a bit of luck, you should be dancing with your bloke now. Get up close and personal. You want to be dirty dancing really, if you fancy a bit of a snog. You’ve seen the film… it can’t be that hard. Therefore, the fifth rule of clubbing is… flaunt it!

6. Now it’s the end of the night it’s up to you! If you fancy him get his number. If not, then run! So long as you’ve had a good time, that’s all that matters. Now all you need to worry about is getting home and finding the nearest chippy (however, this is NOT the place to pull. Leave that to the darkness of the nightclub!). Therefore, the final rule of clubbing is… have yourself a wicked time! :O)
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© 2005 Dr. Chrissy Page (PhD in Dance Floor Studies) and Dr. Becky Burrows (PhD in Social Etiquette) - Tapton Hall 18th October 2005
This document is dedicated to Miss Jennie Hurwood. Without your inspiration, this doctrine would not have been conceived. Thank you, Jennie.